hiroshiparadox

something that's heartbreaking is that it's SO clear that I need to die. i failed at life a VERY long time ago and every day just gets worse, some new disaster makes it untold magnitudes worse. i am objectively human garbage. I am worthless, I'm a failure, I am a bad person. i've never been good enough to be at the basic, bottom-tier starting point of life. i'm going to be 38 in a couple days and my life has at the same time never began and has been hopelessly over for many years. hope is a LIE. it's BULLSHIT. misery and failure and regret and pain and fear and dread and emptiness and loneliness and HOPELESSNESS are all that's real. no matter what I do I'm garbage. i'm never good enough. my life was over before it began. it's all a complete waste, a shitshow. everything will be better when I'm dead. dying is my only hope. it's the only way my life improves. it's the closest I can get to "happy." the most heartbreaking thing is leaning on the prospect of dying as hope, but when

this new job is a fucking disaster i SERIOUSLY want to quit already. I should have today. Had my "we're not happy with your performance" meeting today and I just want to quit I hate it there. I'm too fucking STUPID for that job. The company is fine. The people are fine. I'm just too fucking stupid for this stuff, and I'm still stuck on the really easy stuff, and the manager is getting pissed with my supervisor that I'm not doing the more difficult stuff. They overestimated what I'm capable of for no reason. I should have paid attention to the red flags in the interview; manager did all the talking and didn't delve much into what I can do, how good I am. Or how much I fucking suck. I'm worthless at this and everything else. I have never felt this stupid and incompetent at a job before, and I was no good at my last (and only before this one) real job, either. I have meltdowns at work every other day. It makes me CRY and stress and I hate it. I hate how STUPID I am. I want to quit